Vacation
The endless blue water goes on for miles from the Dalmatian coast. Boats of all kinds spread across the ocean giving the view a painting-like feel. Mostly white sailboats that cruise along the coast look like swans on a lake. Light waves of the clear teal water ripple up the warm tan sand. Sounding like slowly stretching a slinky and then letting it go. The clear water is splashed around as people cool down from the scorching rays of the sun.
The skin on the bottom of vacationers' feet touches the sand sizzling from the heat of the sun. It is a good burn like putting your feet up next to a fire after being out in the cold all day. Feet marks are implanted in the soft sand along the edge of the water only to get washed away once the waves roll over them once again. People walk up and down the beach enjoying the way the sand squishes between their toes and how the cold water refreshes the feeling of the humid air.
Broken fragments of bottles that have been dulled down from the ocean over the years are scattered throughout the sand. These fragments are just waiting to be collected by the visitors of the beach. The sea glass glimmers in the sand as they are like piles of buried jewels from washed-up treasure. Colors of emeralds, blue and yellow sapphire, and the brightest of ruby are picked up by the little kids running around pretending they are pirates on a treasure hunt. Their laughter fills the beach amongst the chatter of families as they enjoy the heat of the sun shining down on them giving them a summer glow.
Dissipated screams of thrill from the rocks can be heard in the distance as people jump off them into the deep blue waters. Snorkelers are enjoying the brightly colored reef fish floating around in the patches of coral next to the rock walls. Looking down through the googles they see red, blue, yellow, and orange schools of fish swim through the clusters of sponges and coral. The coral dancing in the current from the waves of the ocean. Above seagulls chirp in the air as they glide back and forth like kites in the wind. They fly among the dark gray rocks surrounding the beach. These tall rocks create a wall from the outside roads, shops, and nosey streets. It makes the beach feel like it is a private getaway to those who are there.
The wide uneven rock stairway down to the beach is the only way to get to this beach unless you traveled by water. It is hidden amid the crowded streets and town of Croatia. The stairway drops down to the beach behind a small old Italian restaurant. Right beside the rock stairway on the beach is a huge, dark red-brown, vintage, arched wooden door. It has metal latches that don’t allow visitors or anyone to open it. The wooden arched door gives the beach a magical and mysterious feel about it. Visitors can imagine and create stories about what is behind the door or the purpose of it being there. The imaginary possibilities are limitless. That is what makes the beach one of a kind against the many other beaches hidden or not in Croatia. It has the typical beach feel with the warm sand, clear water, and beach activities but then, gives visitors a magical feeling. The feeling is created by the ‘jewels’ or sea glass distributed in the sand and the huge mysterious door at the bottom of the stairway that creates imagination.
To begin, I think that your blog was very effective and well organized. You clearly and effectively followed the prompt, focusing greatly on the color, sound, and grabbing the attention of readers. I love how you just began the blog by explaining the ‘endless blue water’ from the ‘Dalmatian coast’. This tells readers immediately what the blog is going to be about without you having to go into great detail; it is very effective. You use the phrase ‘painting-like feel’ when describing the view. You also described the sailboats as ‘white’ and using the simile ‘like swans on a lake’. The fourth level of AO2 is having effective expression, with a range of language, including complex structures and less common lexis. I think that you clearly did this within every paragraph. For structure, each of your paragraphs speak on a different aspect of going on vacation. This keeps the reader engaged, as well as make them feel as if they were there. I personally think that the way you begin your blog by going right into the atmosphere is more effective than creating a story about it. From level five of AO2, I would say that the task was achieved fully and the content is fully relevant. Everything that you speak on is about going on vacation; exactly what the prompt asks for. One thing that I would suggest is possibly making the text in the second person. By doing this, the readers would much more clearly be involved, achieving ‘audience fully engaged’ from level five. Overall, I would give your blog 17 marks in level four of AO2. While you had a lot of very good ideas, the paragraphs could have been a little more related to each other, but I think that it was very good overall.
ReplyDeleteHi Virginia, I hope that my review is good enough for you (in terms of helping you learn more on what you could improve on or do in your writing so that you can easily get A level with no problems)!
ReplyDeleteAn effective opening sentence helps set the mood for the reader: reflective.
Content is relevant since it addresses the atmosphere, color, and sound of the vacation. It never strays from what the vacation is like.Like the atmosphere of “painting-like feel”, “private” to describe the beach’s seclusiveness and the sound of “slowly stretching a slinky” and “letting it go” the color “clear teal” “tan”
Effective expression, with a range of language, including some complex structures and less common lexis.
A few minor errors which do not impede communication.
Spelling errors: “nosey” is noisy in the context. “googles” is goggles in the context. Although both do not impede communication.
There is an attempt to organize text; ideas are developed in a limited manner. It just seems to go over the place like at the end especially where you talk about how to get to the beach which I think should be at the beginning perhaps to introduce the vacation just so that there is a clear and logical structure instead of going from idea to idea in any manner.
Task is achieved well; content is relevant.
Audience is addressed since the audience for the vacation is people who have been to the beach for vacation. “typical beach feel” The focus on the ocean and the activities and atmosphere helps engage the audience. However it does not quite reach the audience's engagement level because I did not feel that it engaged the target audience as well as it could have. There could have been more metaphors that the audience could understand from being on the beach and relate to. I also think that including “It is a good burn like” just gets you out of the reading and imaginative mindset so it stops me from engaging personally so it would be better to make it flow by just describing the places and things and letting the reader imagine it themselves and use your words as guidance.
(4)
(4)
(2)
(4)
(3)
Total of 17 Marks so you should be in a good range for the test still!
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ReplyDeleteHi Virginia, I think you had a really good blog.
DeleteYou followed the correct form and while there were a few grammatical and language errors, they did not impede communication. There were effective expressions in your writing, like, “Dissipated screams of thrill,” and “seagulls chirp in the air as they glide back and forth like kites in the wind.” Your structure was well and everything flowed nicely together. You were on task for all of your writing. I believe that the audience is engaged in your writing. I give you 20/25 marks.